I am currently the only one online here. “How weird is that?” Hum…I’m not used to that. Least of all the Aussie’s should be waking by now? surely?……Mustn’t be any writing on this site.
Well anyway, its just weird being here alone.

I just got home from a night shift.
I’m blessed (somehow, some way) to get my sorry ass out of bed tomorrow at 5am to be at work for a 6am opening shift. I swear J can’t can’t (wow I’m repeating myself now!) can’t do schedules…..Grumbles.I’ve had a week load of closings and openings, one after the other, though, this coming week the schedule is a modest one, one I can handle. Don’t think I’ll be cranky.

So in light of my 5am wake up call tomorrow I promptly brewed myself a small pot of coffee ( foolish me).
I’ll regret it, yes indeed, no denying that, though, how I looked lovingly at that coffee pot when I came in.The coffeeeeeeeee issssssss sooooooo goodddddddd.

I dwelled days before and hours before coming home from work to an empty house ( Lily and her dad still aren’t back from their mini visiting-vacation) and I liked none that I’d come home alone to an empty house. However? I took solace in knowing that the family dog and kitties awaited patiently for me, which they had.

So here I am, feeling, oh–hm—a little lonely. I guess I kind of thought perhaps there would be messages left on my phone from my absence, people calling to say, “hey,” or maybe, hm, maybe a message from my husband checking in on me to see if I got home safely, surely in the house safely from the dark. But no, no message nor phone call since. At least my neighbour Jess popped by, course he was only looking for my husband to ask if he could use something from our garage. Its nice to know that no one let next-door Jess know that I’d be here alone. I guess it isn’t a big deal, I’m a big girl, least I keep reminding myself.Yes.Big girl I am….

I was told Lily and her dad would be coming home on Saturday. Although, hm, I suspect they won’t be home until Sunday, which makes me feel like accepting the invitation to a house party next door- tomorrow night, in jest. No, spite.
I’m a big girl.Sure, standing alone against the neighbours kitchen wall with a cocktail in my hand wondering where all the years went.

Hm…I’m flucking depressing!

Snap out of it!

See what happens when your alone? Next I’ll be answering myself!

“Gawdddddd!”

Its almost 11pm and, well, this pity party is missing the cheesies. Course, my original plan upon coming home was to pick apart that chicken I roasted last night and make chicken salad.Then make a sandwich and head to bed with that super funny book I’m reading.
Anyways, it was a good plan.

Am I rambling?????

Don’t answer that.

Soon I know I’ll be complaining about Lily’s dad following me from room to room like he does, with radar knowing when I’m going to dress or undress. Weird that is. He always knows. One of these days I’m gonna to fuck him up and turn around and walk back out of the bedroom having done nothing.
“Wait a minute!” I’ve already done that! We smacked right into each other. No shit! That’s when I accused him for following me, where he admitted it.
Sighs. I guess he’s right, I should be so lucky he’s still following me around, even (coughs) if I think its reallyyyyyy—annoying.

Okay, one more coffee. Its only two if your counting. Maybe not even two! This one’s got cold before I could finish it. That’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

I can’t get out of my head this line in a song ….”I shaved my legs for this?”
Its weird. All week long I’ve had it in my head and reared it with a little chuckle to myself.I suppose I could have worse rolling around in my head-like air, which is becoming evident as this night goes along.

I have had another thought in my head but I’ve been doing all I can in pushing it back to the the peanut gallery where I might end up if I think too much about it.
Its silly, and in fact this time around I’m doing a fine job in not letting it bug me, though? hm, I feel the need to talk of it right now.

Last spring break when my girl’s and their dad went on a mini trip to the interior visiting my step daughter and her little family I, well, suspected that her mother would show up in light of my husband arriving, coughs, without me.Although she’s arrogant enough to show up even with me there.
That said, I found out that indeed she showed up, ten minutes after my girl’s and husband arrived, staying the whole day and partly into the evening, milling about and chattering.
She knew this would bug me, like she has always known what would bug me all these years we’ve had to endure her.Its weird. I’ve never really sat down with her and had a long conversation outside of the telephone because, well, she’s never liked me, or anyone who happen to be with the father of her child of which she bore intentionally some 24 years ago, making her 18 years old-a mother.

Its hard to talk of her without telling the whole long story of the years, so, I apologize now if you find it hard to understand my point of view. That said….she has a husband of her own (poor sap) which he has lasted the longest, outside of the other three suckers. I mean fathers. And so you would think naturally over the many years she to be content and moved on, right? Hm.I wonder that, because once her daughter started having babies of her own? which might I add my step daughter is pregnant again, with twins…sighs….her mother started this whole attention thing gripped around the one and only–her daughter, and now her and my husband’s grand children. It would seem the same cycle continues even thus many years later. I should have known. I should have seen it coming, but we didn’t, we thought once my step daughter grew up, got pregnant, married, at a young age mind you, she would be accountable for her own adult actions. This wouldn’t be true, however. It’ll be us forever affected by her actions, with her mother tapping her foot in the waiting.

Anyways, here we are again, another spring break-trip- and the pondering whether the sleek cat showed up where she doesn’t belong, milling about again, forty-five minutes from her own home, making her drive purposeful of the drop in.
I suppose it wouldn’t bug me if I had ever a chance to have a decent relationship with her, but that never happened. I suppose too, it might not bother me so much of her pop in to her daughter’s home with “my child” and husband visiting if I hadn’t known that my step daughter would encourage it.I mean what child wouldn’t love the notion of her natural dad, half sister, and mother in the same home?
I can’t fault her, though I can’t say I feel all warm and cozy about the idea.
Luckily I trust my husband.Although? he didn’t call me tonight because—humph! “I’M A BIG GIRL!”

Anyways, as much as it might seem things are bothering me I’m still sane and sober, unlike last year this time where I washed every wall in my house and drunk myself stupid.
Nope. I’m not letting anything bother me. I vented here, that’s good enough.
I think I’m more hurt that my husband didn’t think to call tonight, than anything. Fool.
He must think I’m a “big girl.”

Midnight. Ug. Good night everyone.

I mean the two of you.

Ha. Kisses and hugs.

Its an interesting day of much and yet-”hm”-nothing.

Two days off and the house to myself til the weekend. My daughter and her father have gone up into the interior to visit with my step daughter, her husband and small kids.

With this time alone I’ve come and gone between inner soul and reaching out, slightly,lets say, but not whole heartedly yet, I’m not sure if I’m as lonely as of yet. Um.Well, I think. I am after all roasting a whole chicken– as if I weren’t alone.

I didn’t see Lily’s ghost last night, or might I say her spirit, I’m asumming it’s waiting for her to come back, or is with her. Hm……
I stayed up late last night so I was so weary I didn’t have to look over my shoulder in case what she’s been saying might have some basis, outside of rationality.

Closed my mind years ago “to all that.”

I did little today.Oh, I had high plans but little inspiration, lets just say the little birdie on my shoulder kept telling me to call a girl friend over for coffee, dinner even, and yet—hm, neither had I done.
Instead? I washed the dishes, done some laundry, and found the couch more times today than I have in a whole month. Then watched two-made for TV (Canadian) movies of which were intriguing, lest on this gloom rainy day.

With coffee at my side and chicken roasting in the oven I’m listening to music (er, somewhat loudly) from a site called,radiotime.com.Your pick of music on this site. Streaming baby! Streaming non stop.Anything you want.

That’s it for now.I’ll come visit later.

I came home late in the afternoon yesterday from work-under “awe..” like blue sky…then heard it, that sound from what seemed the distant past, dormant, now awake.
First I stopped, standing on one of many circle cement stepping stones leading up to my front door, in an effort to crane my head for a closer listen.I could guess the direction from which the sound was coming form,but-hm-I couldn’t see the subject.

What was the noise?

I could hardly believe once I realized what it was.How time fly’s…….

“Ah..” now on with my ancestry. A five year passion with the uttermost frustration and thrill.
I’m beginning to think all our relatives came from England.